This summer’s getaway: better than ever

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Sep 27th, 2014
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I’ve often said that I need to record events in my life so that I won’t forget. This years vacation is not the case. It was the definitive “unforgettable” trip. A trip of a lifetime.

This year we packed up and headed west. (That was pretty much the sum total of our planning. West. How could we fail with a rock-solid plan like that?) Weather and finances be damned, we boarded the dog, tucked the children away with other people, and proceed to pack up the Harley with what we hoped were enough clothes for roughly ten days.

From our neck of the woods, heading due west will take you straight to the St. Louis area. And while it’s a lovely area, we had been there within the last year so we made no effort passing through to stop. Except we had to stop. Under an overpass.

A torrential summer rain had me wetter than Shelley Winters during the filming of the Poseidon Adventures.

153048__shelley_l

 

 

 

 

 Twinsies.

 

 

 

 

Yep, that’s just what I looked like by the time we found a place to get out of traffic and pull over. You can just bet that I was stunning.  But the rain didn’t last and we journeyed on.

 

Further we drove into Missouri and Kansas loomed in our future.  I sat on the back of the bike searching my brain for whatever knowledge I could dredge up about the Missouri/Kansas area.  My educated mind came up with the following items:  a large river, Sunflowers, Leavenworth Penitentiary, barbeque, and something about Mark Twain.  Ya’ll, it’s a wonder Mensa isn’t beating my door down wanting to vote me their next president.  Don’t you just know that somewhere there is a history teacher knocking back tequila shots and looking up hand baskets on eBay for all his former students to ride to hell?  I apologize, Mr. Sixth Grade teacher.  It’s not just you, I can’t remember geometry either.  And the only way for me to remember anything about government is to sing that Schoolhouse Rock song from Saturday morning cartoons.  Maybe you should get a song?

schoolhouse rock

 

 

 

 

 

 

( I don’t remember Bill saying this!)

 

 

As we ventured into Kansas, I suddenly remembered something about Kansas.  Something wonderful about Kansas.  A Kansas Superstar!!!  The lovely Sherri Bailey lives in Kansas!  Ans suddenly I knew what had to happen.  I had to see Sher LIVE AND IN PERSON!  (For those of you not in the know, I met Sher online and instantly wanted to be her best-friend/side-kick.  She’s smart and funny and one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet.   Sher and I had joked for a couple of years that we needed to meet up and spend some quality time together creating a ruckus.  So I pulled out my phone, jumped on the internet, and sent a virtual shout-out to Sher.  While travelling 75 mph down the interstate.  Ain’t technology wonderful?

Long story, whatever….The Man and I made it to Sher’s house and she even greeted us just like we were regular people.  Now knowing that I just landed on her doorstep out of the clear blue and looking like something that washed up during low tide, I should have been shy and embarrassed.  But folks, I ain’t never been shy, and if you had put your own swollen-from-the-wind-and-rain eyes on the sight of Sherri squealing and dancing on tiptoes in her driveway as YOU pulled up, you wouldn’t have cared either.  The good Lord above has to love a woman who shouts ” If I had known you were coming, I would’ve built a cake!” the first time she lays eyes on you.

We were fed some delicious Kansas City bbq (which is the best bbq, in my opinion) and got to spend about an hour or so chit chatting about this and that.  So the next time you read about some cool person on-line and think to yourself, “boy would I like to meet that person”, just know that it can be done.  Or better yet, go to http://sherbailey.com/ and see for your own self what I mean.

Back to the trip, after leaving Sher’s house, owe spent the night about an hour away.  Not a bad day’s ride all in all.  Three and a half states away, a new/old friend, good eats and a comfy bed to lay in and reflect on the day.  Vacation is good.

 

(Shout out to JD for going to get the food.  I do love me some tall guys with bbq.)

 

Tomorrow:  Headed north.

I iz not dead.

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Oct 28th, 2010
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Holy shitballs, I haven’t typed anything in like forevah! My sincerest apologies to all my fans (both of them) and the unwashed masses that have been trying so hard to find me. You can take a bath now, I’m back.

Somehow all the planets got unaligned, and my chi got way messed up. I managed to make it through the days and the nights, but not without sacrificing time from some of the things I would rather be doing. Like writing here. Or tweezing my eyebrows. So now, other than looking like Brooke Shields circa 1985, I have straightened my ass up and gotten back to what I WANT to do, rather than what I HAVE to to do.

I have kept a handy lists of things that I plan on writing about while I was busy doing other things. It’s a list compromised of things like “the house is trying to kill me” and “has my ass always been shaped like this?”, along with such chilling commentary as “how hard would I punch each one of my employees on a scale of 1-10”. I know, real cliff-hangers, eh?

Give me a day or so to catch me breath and I will be back to tell you all about how my cat is and asshole and why you should never give birth to babies with big heads.

**Side note: I have just mailed out some disposable cameras to friends with instructions to take one picture and mail it to another friend. Last frame sends it back to me. Stay tuned to see me get kicked out of WalMart for trying to develop pictures that are sure to be NOT PG-rated.

For my friends

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Nov 19th, 2009
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I have two dear friends that are struggling with an illness in their family right now and my heart goes out to them. Everyone should have the priviledge of knowing people like these two. One is a bestest friend ever from waaaay back and the other is her brother. (They have another brother also that I love more than Prada purses, but I’m closer emotionally to these two.)

Several times each day something crosses my mind that reminds me of one or the other. The smile of a friend, a terribly, horribly tacky joke, my kids laughing about some bone-head thing their mother did AGAIN…

I have something in common with these two. Each of us, at some point in our lives, has had to teach ourselves to be happy. Each of us has battled our own personal hell and emerged from the other side scarred and wiser. We have learned to laugh again by leaning on each other.

My shall-remain-anonymous girl friend is an art teacher for elementary school children. Egad, that alone should qualify her for sainthood. Can you imagine a billion nasal-y grade-schoolers all screaming for a red crayon at once. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

The other shall-remain-anonymous friend is a student, and care-giver, and all around truly funny, funny guy. His brain worked in mysteriously twisted ways. Top in his class of cleverness. He has an outlook on life that is inspiring.

It hurts me to see them struggle with this. No, that doesn’t explain it just right. I want to wish away their problems, because wonderful people should only have wonderful lives filled with joy and uncorns and pixies and chocolate covered joy. Granted, that sounds a tad unrealistic, but what the hell, it’s my wish and I can wish whatever I want.

In real life, I can listen to them, and occasionally make them laugh. I can tell silly stories and make fart noises with my arm-pit. (It’s a family trait.) I can offer any lame advice that I may come up with and use any relevant experiences from my past to ease their fears. I can pray for their sick family member. I can distract and entertain and love them. I can be a friend. Just like they have been to me.